Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Waving a Different Sort of Wand

Well golly - Harry Potter's all growed up, ain't he?

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Not that I'm into barely legal schoolchildren, of course - I leave that sort of thing to the experts - but can't pretend there's not a small part of me morbidly curious to see the wizard-in-training bare all for Equus, Peter Shaffer's hilarious comedy-of-errors about a 17yo who ritualistically blinds horses (as you do).

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Expecto Patronum, indeed.

I now look forward to the screen debut of Emma Watson's growler in Harry Potter in Hermione's Chamber of Secrets.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Special Guest Post

Hello possums.

Rog here. My twin brother Sam has asked me to fill in for his lazy, minimally post-producing arse. Coz yeah, I'm in his hemisphere with nothing better to do that winning the freakin' Australian Open, and so with a sawn-off shotgun to my head great pleasure I'm popping by to say howdy-ho.

Not much to report, really. At the time of writing I see Monkey Boy's in serious trouble up against Speedy Gonzalez, zee fastest teenis player in all Meckico (hee, a little inside Warner Bros humour there. I'm way wittier than Sam).

I don't get all the fuss about MB. OK, he has nicer biceps than I do - which don't look at all queer as fuck in a yellow sleeveless number, nosiree - but seriously, where's the organ grinder? Signourney Weaver playing Dian Fossey, is that you? Plus the only times he ever beats me is on clay, which we in the business know is only as much a 'real' court surface as Canada or Belgium are 'real' countries. Either way, whether it's the chimp or the rat in the semi, I'm gonna whoop serious ass - it's just what I do.

My true nemesis, Seann William Scott, is the real concern. Not only is l'il Miss A&F fancying herself as my conquerer, in some cultures she may be considered cuter than I am. Plus bitch gets an unlimited Platinum Amex. I wonder how you say 'sell-out' in Jock, anyway? It's one of the few languages I don't speak fluently (hey - I'm from a country that's really just the arse, crown and right ear of three other countries).

Still, end of the day I am King. King Federer. Just call me K-Fed...Oh wait. Disregard. Just call me Dude What Sam Wishes He Played As Good As He Resembles.

And go nice on my bro. He may be slack, he may have a second serve I personally find offensive to both my very existence and to the game itself, and he may not be capable of growing his hair nice and long and floppy like I can, but...umm...I really am pretty good, aren't I? Let's just all settle on The Greatest? Bjorg, McEnroe, Agassi and Sampras can kiss my brown Hawkeye.

Anyways, gotta go 'train' (watch the Comedy Channel in my hotel room) to 'prepare' (automatically be a lot better than) for my 'match' (whitewash. Seriously - nobody's even taken a set off me the whole freakin' tournament) against my next 'opponent' (poor bastard who dares win his QF match), otherwise Rochie will get narky and accuse me yet again of stealing his pencils after he's nodded off (which is pretty often these days). Plus Martina keeps rocking up on my doorstep wearing a Swiss Maid outfit and asking me to 'hold her milk pails'. The joke's almost as old as she is, stupid bint.

Toodles for now. Like I always say - go get yer ass Rogered!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Australia: The Very Model of a Modern Major Secular Democracy

Countries in the world that now (or will) have federal same-sex marriage, civil unions or some kind of partnership registration scheme:*

New Zealand
United Kingdom
Czech Republic
South Africa

Countries in the world that DO NOT have federal same-sex marriage, civil unions or some kind of partnership registration scheme, and/or where homosexuality is still a crime with varying degree of punishment:*

United States of America
Saudi Arabia

Well I'm sure glad to live in a country that's bestest buddies with Uncle Sam in the War Against Terror©, to fight Islamic fundamentalism and resist dogmatic church-states. Fighting for true democracy, individual freedoms and equality, regardless of race, gender and, most importantly, sexual preference. Aren't you?

Yes, I realise I won't be killed in Australia the way I might be in, for example, Nigeria or Mauritania. Still, there are two sore thumbs sticking out in the second list who are conspicuous by their absence in the first.

I'm still trying to get my head around what it is about Australia, a first-world, peaceful, predominently Christian nation with a secular government, that in this regard makes us so damn different from those first-world, peaceful, predominently Christian nations with secular governments specified in the first list, that we can't follow their lead.

Any clues for me?

(*Note: neither list is meant to be exhaustive.)

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Vale Sally Spectra

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Darlene Conley: 1935-2007

Sally Spectra has left us for the big fashion house in the sky. The boy and I are still grieving. When we first heard the tale-end of a report that a 72yo "Bold and the Beautiful" actress had passed away, our first thought naturally was that it was Katherine Kelly Lang (Brooke). What a tragedy to learn it was 'Our Sal' (a nickname I just invented for her and have otherwise never heard before nor plan to use again).

The official cause of death is listed as stomach cancer, but regular B&B viewers will know it's far more likely to have been that bizarre, short and irregular breathing Darlene would employ whilst delivering Sally's lines. Angry Sally, happy Sally, plotting Sally, grieving mother Sally - all sounded as though she were several hours into labour.

Darlene's hair, who has lived independently of Darlene for the last 20 years, is said to be devastated by the loss.

With Macy, Darla and now Sally gone, the Spectra family is pretty much non-existent - although the not entirely unfortunate-looking son CJ is due for a return. And what a void Sally will leave behind. Who will Stephanie throw into the Forrester pool now? Who will get drunk and cut off Stephanie's once-voluminous blonde locks? In short, who will now claim the title of LA's most glamorous drag queen?

Fare(*short breath*) well, Sal(*short breath*)ly. (*short breath*) You w(*short breath*)ill be (*short breath*) misse(*short breath*)d.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Things To Do Today

1. Illegally download Purchase online the Freemasons Extended Club mix of Beyonce's "Ring the Alarm". 'Tis a spicy meatball. Do it now.

2. If you're a LADY who likes other LADIES, why not catch one of the two hardcore lesbian porn films currently showing, "Flicker" and "Vulva"? Good dyke*.

3. Congratulate George Miller on pumping "Happy Feet" with glacier-loads of homo subtext!

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Mumble - queerer than even queerpenguin.

Seriously, let's break this down:

- Mumble the penguin is voiced by Elijah Wood, who looks like a perennially terrified 13y.o pre-pubescent lesbian. 27 gay points.

- Mumble's mother is voiced by Nicole Kidman impersonating Marilyn Monroe. 43 gay points.

- Mumble's father is voiced by Hugh Jackman. 88 gay points.

- Mumble cannot score a lady through singing, so in loving tribute to "Showgirls" decides to follow a career as a DAN-SAR! 107 gay points.

- Mumble's love of DAN-SING is deemed "not penguin" by his Elvis-like old man. 111 points.

- When Mumble is rejected by his own for being "different", he is taken into the fold by a pack of all-male (51), Latino (79) fairy penguins (99), led by Robin Williams (201).

- The lady penguin Mumble eventually scores is voiced by Brittany Murphy, who in her pre-Hollywood Homogeny, Drop Dead Gorgeous/Girl Interrupted days looked and acted like an archetypal fag hag. 142 points.

- The deeply superstitious penguin "elders" refuse to be tolerant of Mumble's differences and are shown to be anachronistic, parochial old fools. 137 points.

- There's a strong pro-environmentalism theme. And as we all know, all fags and vegelesbians are also all Greenie terrorists. 72 gay points.

1157 gay points! That's a hell of a lot of gay points. As Margaret Cho would say, "they ought to call this film 'Fuck Me in the Arse...CGI kiddie film.'"

I feel dirty to find myself in agreement with the bashers over at "Media Matters", but I think this time they have actually legitimately found some queers under the bed.

Still, it's a very sweet film with amazing effects. Somewhat plotless, to be sure, but incredibly entertaining.

From one queer penguin to another, my flipper salutes Mumble.

(*Ha, gotcha.)

Monday, January 08, 2007

Removalists Must Make a Fortune in Erinsborough

Some thoughts on that show we all love to pretend we don't watch (or maybe that's just me): So on top of the steady exodus of relatively short-lived, unsuccessful characters - Cameron, Dylan, Katya, the hottie who was put into the opening credits and then sacked after like 12 weeks or something, etc - apparently now Janelle and Bree are going, as is Lou's long-lost daughter Lolly - who hasn't actually reappeared on Australian screens yet. Add to this the longer-term characters moving onto greener pastures - Lyn, Max and Sky - and it makes for tumultuous times on Ramsay Street.

Apparently the producers 'are bringing in fresh blood to boost ratings, and at least two other actors have been told that their contracts will not be renewed'. Gah! Two more deaths!

This reference to 'boosting ratings' is somewhat unusual. Everybody knows the show isn't and hasn't been made for Australian audiences for years - if it were it would have been axed long ago in the fact of constant defeat by TT and ACA in the 6:30 timeslot - so it would seem it's the Poms who are losing interest in keeping up with the various bogan or effluent, aspamerational clans of the cul-de-sac. But can you blame them? The attitude of 'let's can a whole mess of characters for a short-term ratings boost' was the same one the producers took when they decimated most of the Bishop family in the 20th anniversary plane crash (pending Serena 'body was never found' Bishop's inevitable return) - and obviously, that wasn't an overly successful ploy in the long term.

The residents of Ramsay Street also ballooned quite significantly about two years ago, when it went from a nice manageable cast of 18 or so to about 25. Do they think if we're just bombarded with lots of characters for a short time, we'll neglect to notice a decline in quality?

Yeah yeah, be a poncy snob. "Neighbours" and "quality" in the same sentence? *consternation* *uproar* Whoever heard of such a thing? Well, for Oz soap tragics like myself with soft spots for the classics like Number 96, Prisoner, Sons and Daughters etc, Neighbours is really the last in that mould*. I've watched it since I was seven and I hope it keeps going. But I'm not going to allow my heart to be broken investing in characters who'll be randomly murdered four days later. No doubt the stalwarts - Paul, Harold, Lou, Susan, Karl, Toadie - will die on set, but they can't hold the show up by themselves, as Nat Bass appeared to be doing at one stage. Quality over quantity and all that - the original Neighbours cast consisted of 11 characters. Maybe it's time for a return to basics.

And get rid of Dan f#$king O'Connor!! There are only so many exploitative plotlines that can be written to provide flimsy excuses for him to be shirtless, his only functional value in the show, and frankly they got tired months ago. Even Katya the Frozen Face increased slightly in acting capabilities during her brief time, but Dan's actually gotten worse. Now that Boyd's all legal, the exploited hot torso role is suitably filled - and Boyd doesn't have a disproportionately massive head, either.

Oh - and bring back Toadie's mum. She looks like a man but I still oddly miss her.

(*Homo and Gays doesn't count. Takes itself way too seriously to be any fun.)

Friday, January 05, 2007

Happy Poo Smear!

Belated 2007 NY cheerses and thanks-a-lot to all. Sorry for the extended rain delay - I often suffer severe Blog Block over the festytivity season. You know how it is.

Won't bother with the protracted, What I Did For XMas/NY book report. You don't wanna learn, I don't wanna teach you. We get along fine.

In short (shorts):

FAMEWHOREDOM: SX kindly published my end-of-06 recap, 'Cowboys, Closets and Climate Change." Follow the link here, issue 309.

MEDIA: If you're a Sydney resident unfortunate enough to have caught Piers Akerman's latest bout of diarrhoea - gays are irresponsible hedonistic bug-chasers who should be compulsorily circumsised, that old chestnut - my sympathies. For those who haven't, don't read the actual article, just skip here to the comments in which his 'argument' is comprehensively torn to shreds by people who actually have brains.

All I wanna say really is that, like Piers, I also don't think the public purse should be burdened caring for people who choose to jeopardise their health through unhealthy lifestyle choices. You know - like morbid obesity.

MORE MEDIA: Most of youse will know I find 'Tell Us About It Janet' Albrechsten witty, urbane, fair-minded, insightful and accurate. I respect her as a 'tell us like it is' beacon of common sense and an efficient champion of solid, Christian conservative values.

And so, apparently, do the KKK.

Something about judging people by the company they keep?

BOND: Saw Casino Royale and don't get why people seem to be so offended by it. I thought it was good, old-school Bond - back to the basics and dispensing with the almost cartoony ridiculousness of Die Another Day. Daniel Craig is a great Bond - who gives a flying fug that he's blond? Plus, being buffed as he is (albeit somewhat prawnesque/paper baggy*), I suddenly understood why women do throw themselves at Bond so easily. I never got that with Connery or that leather-faced dinosaur Moore, but I got it with Craig - so that's gotta be a good indication of good casting, yeah?

(*Actually - you know what? He's not even paper baggy. He just needs the right angles and lighting and I'd so let him breathe naturally.)

I also liked the break from standard Bond conventions - no 'Q' sequences, minimal gadgetry, no girly silhouettes in the opening titles, and a man singing the title song. In fact, I think Chris Cornell's 'You Know My Name' might be the best ever Bond song - can I get a high-five to that? I also thought Eva Green made a great Bond girl. Right mix of icy aloofness, vulnerability and can actually act. Well - act better than Denise Richards, anyway.

The final third act did drag a bit, but still a quality film.

That's about it for now. Kisses.