The Adventures of QueerPenguin

Things To Do Today

1. Illegally download Purchase online the Freemasons Extended Club mix of Beyonce's "Ring the Alarm". 'Tis a spicy meatball. Do it now.

2. If you're a LADY who likes other LADIES, why not catch one of the two hardcore lesbian porn films currently showing, "Flicker" and "Vulva"? Good dyke*.

3. Congratulate George Miller on pumping "Happy Feet" with glacier-loads of homo subtext!



Mumble - queerer than even queerpenguin.

Seriously, let's break this down:

- Mumble the penguin is voiced by Elijah Wood, who looks like a perennially terrified 13y.o pre-pubescent lesbian. 27 gay points.

- Mumble's mother is voiced by Nicole Kidman impersonating Marilyn Monroe. 43 gay points.

- Mumble's father is voiced by Hugh Jackman. 88 gay points.

- Mumble cannot score a lady through singing, so in loving tribute to "Showgirls" decides to follow a career as a DAN-SAR! 107 gay points.

- Mumble's love of DAN-SING is deemed "not penguin" by his Elvis-like old man. 111 points.

- When Mumble is rejected by his own for being "different", he is taken into the fold by a pack of all-male (51), Latino (79) fairy penguins (99), led by Robin Williams (201).

- The lady penguin Mumble eventually scores is voiced by Brittany Murphy, who in her pre-Hollywood Homogeny, Drop Dead Gorgeous/Girl Interrupted days looked and acted like an archetypal fag hag. 142 points.

- The deeply superstitious penguin "elders" refuse to be tolerant of Mumble's differences and are shown to be anachronistic, parochial old fools. 137 points.

- There's a strong pro-environmentalism theme. And as we all know, all fags and vegelesbians are also all Greenie terrorists. 72 gay points.

1157 gay points! That's a hell of a lot of gay points. As Margaret Cho would say, "they ought to call this film 'Fuck Me in the Arse...CGI kiddie film.'"

I feel dirty to find myself in agreement with the bashers over at "Media Matters", but I think this time they have actually legitimately found some queers under the bed.

Still, it's a very sweet film with amazing effects. Somewhat plotless, to be sure, but incredibly entertaining.

From one queer penguin to another, my flipper salutes Mumble.

(*Ha, gotcha.)

posted by Sam @ Wednesday, January 10, 2007