The Adventures of QueerPenguin

Hypocrisy and Condemnation are Also Diseases

(*TMI ALERT: Like 'spoiler' alert, but a warning that is a fairly personal post, and could fall into the Too Much Information category for some.)

December 1 is World AIDS Day, to commemorate those we've lost to this appalling disease and reaffirm our hope that a cure may some day be found.

Statistically, I live in a HIV+ ghetto, of sorts. It's incredibly disheartening to see the rising rate of infections among gay men in a first-world nation (not saying the problem in third-world nations is any less tragic, just that here we should know better), and instinctively it's so easy to condemn those men contracting HIV in this day-and-age, years after endless advertisements, campaigns and premature deaths, as foolish or stupid or argue that prevention campaigns of HIV/AIDS organisations, such as ACON, just aren't working.

But of course, as with most things, this cannot be reduced to soundbyte absolutes.

In and around inner Sydney, it's undeniable that sex and sexuality are omnipotent. Getting laid is a perennial preoccupation with many gay men, and between the pick-up joints, dance clubs, sex clubs, saunas and beats, it's pretty easy to find that instant, inconsequential gratification with anonymous contacts.

Bring crystal meth into the equation and any sense of mind to play safe flies straight out the window. If you've ever happened upon Gaydar, Gay.com or any other gay chat sites post-MG or Sleaze, it's depressing to see how many profiles seek to be 'fucked raw' while still in their CM-induced hazes.

I know all this, because I've been a part of it. I've fucked guys I've known for less than an hour, whose name I don't remember at the time. I've picked up guys from the net who for all I know could have been serial killers (hey, I'm from Adelaide - it's not so far-fetched). I've fucked under the influence of chemicals (excluding CM). And three times, I've jeopardised my life and the lives of others through unprotected sex. Not something I'm particularly proud of, but I want to make clear I'm not placing myself in any position of judgment. I'm a sinner just like all the other blasphemers.

So when, a few years ago, my best friend at the time looked me in the face and told me, quite straightforwardly, that he was HIV positive, my visceral reaction was to feel anger that he could be so stupid, followed almost immediately by a more cerebral reminder that our roles could just as easily have been reversed. Like my three occasions, his was a moment of carelessness, when his dick wrested control of the ship from his brain. He contracted the disease because of a broken condom, but he was in a sauna at the time. The argument could go that if he hadn't been there to begin with, fucking a stranger about whose HIV status he had no idea, he would never have been at risk.

But is that a real solution? Avoid HIV by avoiding sex altogether? We know abstinence as a means of 'safe sex' (the 'safest' form of sex, as it were) just doesn't work. People are destined to fuck. Fuck men, fuck women, fuck both, sex is a biological imperative. Avoiding STIs/STDs by not having sex is akin to avoiding airborne diseases by not breathing.

So given that people are going to fuck, what is it about gay men (apart from the basic biological explanations) that makes HIV so prevalent in our day-to-day lives, a massive elephant in all our rooms we can only avoid speaking about for so long? Are we naturally more inclined to unsafe, irresponsible sexual practices? Should we model our sexuality more on the habits of heterosexual people, whose incidence of HIV infection is, comparably, significantly lower?

What I would argue is that a common unwanted consequence of unprotected sex between men and women, aside from STIs/STDs, is pregnancy. And without wanting to sound callous, unwanted pregnancies can be terminated. I know intelligent, highly self-respecting women who, like me, have fucked up once or twice. Choosing to terminate is never an easy decision, but it can be done. A gay man, on the other hand, cannot choose to terminate his accidental HIV contraction. It's a penalty for life for one accident, one lapse in judgment.

But what about repeat offenders, the apparent inner Sydney hedonists who keep fucking unsafely? Surely the safe sex messages of support organisations is falling on deaf ears? Perhaps - but ACON and other like groups can only do so much. Ultimately they are trampolines at the bottom of the cliff, not the fences at the top. Young men are being pushed over the edge by a world that still treats them as pariahs. How and where is a man supposed to find the self-respect that stops him from life-endangering sexual practices when his family has rejected him, his peers assaulted him and his society insists any relationship he seeks will ultimately be inferior, even worthless? Yes, ultimately everybody needs to take responsibility for their actions, but what will compel a man to take responsibility for securing his life when he doesn't really see a clear future for himself?

Of course, sex cannot go unregulated. To suggest this is ever an agenda pushed by queer activists and organisations is a fallacy. Liberation and pride arise through the realisation that homosexuality, and homosexual expression, are not wrong, unnatural or immoral. What is wrong is unsafe sexual expression, straight or queer.

I don't pretend to have a solution to what is currently a disturbing problem, that nearly 30 years after the mysterious 'gay disease' first appeared, men are still falling victim even when there is now a simple and almost always effective way of avoiding the disease. Maybe a reduction in the omnipotency of sex in gay men's world - at least in inner Sydney - could be a start, but it's not like the urges will suddenly cease to exist.

I'd like to think that the first step will be for gay men to have less of a fight on their hands when nurturing their own self-respect and sense of responsibility. Once they genuinely value and treasure their lives, why on earth will they want to jeopardise it?

I also have a feeling I'm not the only person who's not just made, but repeated, a stupid mistake that could have cost me dearly. Those without sin, etc. Every day I am grateful I've not become another statistic, but I never forget that is purely a case of good chance. I don't intend to repeat that mistake ever again.

In the meantime, I also never forget those friends, and friends of friends, who live with the spectre of HIV because of one mistake.

posted by Sam @ Friday, December 01, 2006