Monday, October 10, 2005

Random Neighbours Twists

Given it's all getting a bit saucy on Ramsay Street these days, I thought I'd offer some dream twists I'd like to see played out.

NB: Regular font = what's actually happening or will be happening for real, bold font = QP's fantasies.

1. Dr Karl breaks his Hippocratic Oath to tell Susan the truth about Alex's terminal illness. Susan breaks off the engagement and (apparently) gets back with Karl. This devastates Izzy who, bored with being continually poisoned by Paul's daughter, breaks off her relationship with him and sets her love voodoo back on the Doc.

This leads to a fresh batch of Izzy/Susan showdowns, the most memorable of which involves them beating one another with No 22 and No 28's mail posts in the middle of the cul-de-sac.

It soon becomes clear, however, that all this aggression is (naturally) symptomatic of latent sexual tension between the two, and soon Susan kicks Karl out again and allows Izzy and an 110-pound Alsatian, "Sappho", to move in. A love triangle briefly forms when Sky decides she misses the minge action and seduces Susan but this is all happily resolved when she moves in with the two of them (causing a devastated Harold to become addicted to petrol sniffing to numb his pain).

Lyn, unable to reconcile her Catholicism with her best friend being a dyke, sells the house to Janelle and moves to Horsham, successfully winning a federal seat with the Nationals on a platform of throwing lesbians in the Murray to see if they sink (not a witch/lesbian) or float (witch/lesbian).

2. Apparently David, Lil and Serena Bishop are all getting killed off at once when a plane goes down into the ocean. The Timminses all pile into their campervan home to rescue them but only get a few metres out to sea before they realise it doesn't actually work in water, and trapped alive in their coffin they all drown and die.

Mercifully, the torso of Dylan Timmins is preserved and the head of a much more attractive boy is surgically transplanted onto it. The new "Dylan" has a successful career in the Neighbours' spin-off of hard-core porn movies, "Gay Whores".

3. Ned, Stu's brother, has a mind-warping revelation that he is in fact Dan O'Connor, a really, really, really bad actor on a television show that no amount of Jan Russ magic can transform. Realising his total and complete redundancy on Ramsay Street whenever he is wearing clothes, he returns to Hillsong and finds enlightenment as Brian Houston's "special brother", albeit wondering occasionally if being rogered senseless while clutching to a crucifix is really part of "God's plan" as Brian insists.

4. Dee Bliss Rebecchi, Toadie's long-thought dead bride, is found and returned to Ramsay Street but with no recollection of her time there.

It turns out she's been brainwashed by Mrs Mangel, who secretly still lives around the corner in Eden Hills and is 127, into slaughtering one Ramsay Street resident at a time every time she hears Bob barking as her trigger.

Having stabbed, beheaded, flayed or thrown into acid vats almost all the residents, she breaks into No 30 to take out Toadie, but he counters her brainwashing by showing her the hives all over his flabby bottom, which puts her body's self-defence mechanism into a comatose state.

I also have a vision involving the zombie Madge Bishop in a death-match with the zombie Helen Daniels, but I think I have to flesh that out a little more...

7 Comments:

At 10/10/05 6:44 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have one word for your Neighbours twists Sam - CAMP! The only thing you didnt touch on was the shows longest running queer love-affair ie the one between Lou and Harold. Then again perhaps thats an image which should not be considered before dinner!

I have to say I think you are a tad harsh re: the head of Dylan Timmins. I think hes cute in a big-lipped kinda way! Would you believe I actually saw the man (AKA Damien Bodie) at the same-sex marriage day of action in Melbourne. Sadly he wasnt at the rally itself (at least I dont think he was) but was wandering past outside as we were leaving. He dresses quite stylishly in real life unlike the bogan he portrays! CW

 
At 10/10/05 7:21 pm, Blogger JahTeh said...

While we're in fantasy land. The gossip in the SundayHeraldSun (would they lie) says Robert Doyle has been seen having coffee with Naomi.

Now there's a match made in that place that Dreadnought says we're all heading for. JT

 
At 10/10/05 8:11 pm, Blogger mikey said...

You can just tell the real writers of Neighbours want to do a gay-male storyline. They keep on teasing us all the time, thinking that Ned, or Dylan or Boyd may take one for our team, but no, the Howardian powers that be ensure it's all G-rated dross.

Did anyone think the blonde guy who kidnapped Stinga and Dylan was cute in that nasty bogan kind of way?

 
At 10/10/05 9:36 pm, Blogger Sam said...

Ooer - the mysterious JT finally has an identity (sort of)!! Way to go Ms Witch :-)

Agree with you re horney homo Neighbours writers playing out their schoolboy fantasties Mikey - can't agree with you re the bogan being cute though.

 
At 11/10/05 2:00 pm, Blogger Ron said...

When you see some of the nasty characters and situations on Neighbours and Home and Away, having a gay character/relationship would be quite mild.

 
At 12/10/05 7:01 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have heard on the rumour mill that one of the two Neighbours script-producers is gay but cant confirm it (it would certainly explain the endless scenes of bare-chested boys)!

I wouldnt give up hope of seeing a gay boy on Ramsay Street just yet. At a scripting forum last year Luke Devenish (one of the aforementioned producers) mentioned that they were toying with the idea of introducing a regular gay male character. He reiterated this in an article published by the Star Observer earlier this year regarding the shows 20th Anniversary! Hopefully he wasnt just blowing smoke up our proverbials.

I know both Neighbours and H&A have had the occasional blink and youll miss it appearance of a gay character but a regular long-term gay male in a dinner-time soap would be nearly as groundbreaking as Number 96's Joe Hasham in my humble opnion. Would love to see Neighbours lead the charge and finally beat Home and Away to something.

Fingers crossed! CW

 
At 19/10/05 4:12 pm, Anonymous rachy said...

fantastic shit, keep it up:)

 

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