Tuesday, August 29, 2006

F&*k You, AAPT

OK AAPT, I AM going to tell it like it is - so listen up.

You SUCK. Your whole operation SUCKS, and I QUIT.

On the train to work this morning, and one of the singular most magnificent pieces of music in known history, Elgar's Nimrod, from his Enigma Variations, drifted sweetly onto my iPod - and all I could think about were those stupid, monstrously ugly people in those nauseating AAPT commercials grinning like the stupid f$%kturds they are and pointing to their stupid oversized blue AAPT shirts.

%^&*$^%@!!

This particular piece of music, you see, is the background fodder for those ads.

So thanks a bunch, AAPT. You've violated what was once a pure, virginal and magical composition to me. I hope you're pleased with yourself.

Whoever currently holds the copyright to Elgar's music should be shot repeatedly in non-essential parts of their anatomy so they can watch themselves die slowly from bleeding, for thinking "hey, Edward would've wanted his haunting meditation on nobility to be used for telecommunications commercials. Here AAPT, take his soul, his majesty, and corrupt it as though it were a Queensland police officer in the 1980s. My treat."

Goddammit, what is it about non-actor people volunteering themselves for 'reality' ads? News flash to all the Tiffany Homewares and Daryl Merchandisings in the Bunnings commercials: Nobody gives a shit! To all the dancing, singing nannas and brats in the Soul ads: You're neither cute nor funny! Oh, and ESPECIALLY to you deluded shits telling us about your lives as they relate to your Vodafone - if I ever see any of you in the street, I'm going to hack off your leg from the knee slowly with a spoon. Companies only use you to save money on hiring actors to simulate the level of obnoxiousness that comes to you so naturally. You're not interesting and people won't want to be your friend after seeing you on television. That only works if you're hot - Jake Wall, for instance.

So my warning goes double for you tools in the AAPT ads. If I see any of you, I'm going to tell it like it is, by burning your eyelids and hammering rusty nails into your scrota*.

I must avenge Elgar. The time of purification is at hand.

(*Speculated plural of scrotum.)

13 Comments:

At 29/8/06 10:45 am, Blogger Jeremy said...

I'd have thought the works of Elgar were long out of the protection of copyright.

Reminds me of the fuss when that dance remix of Carmina Burana was released - Carl Orff's widow was desperate to have it banned, but failed.

 
At 29/8/06 11:02 am, Blogger Sam said...

Surely someone would still hold the rights to the music though, MrL? Descendant, etc?

 
At 29/8/06 12:15 pm, Blogger Jeremy said...

They shouldn't, no - it should be in the public domain. When did Elgar die?

 
At 29/8/06 12:50 pm, Blogger FKAB said...

I must say Sam, the use of Simpsons quotes has been exemplary.

Oh, those stupid ads with 'actual' company employees piss me off too. It's especially true with regards to funeral advertisements, often involving some old man introducing himself (like we care) and saying how much your loved one will feel happy about having a $7000 coffin.

The time of purification is indeed at hand.

 
At 29/8/06 8:03 pm, Blogger JahTeh said...

Sam, whatever are you putting in your coffee? You're so butch when you rant.
*swoons*

 
At 30/8/06 4:29 pm, Blogger Sam said...

Oi, Ads I Hate is MY thing!

 
At 30/8/06 4:32 pm, Blogger Sam said...

And the name 'Sam' was my thing. But you don't see me whinging when you stole it now, do ya? Huh? Do ya?!

 
At 31/8/06 12:42 am, Blogger FKAB said...

A propose fight to the death.

 
At 31/8/06 8:51 am, Blogger Sam said...

Bring it. About time the true Sam was determined once and for all.

I will miss his online bitching about Nikki Webster once he's dead, though...

 
At 31/8/06 2:20 pm, Blogger Gay Erasmus said...

*applauds*

Hmm, 'scrota' makes me think of that Malaysian dish, 'roti chanai'. I won't tell you what Jake Wall makes me think of.

 
At 31/8/06 9:24 pm, Anonymous Bad Wolf said...

Lovely to see everyone here is so willing to "Tell it like it is"

 
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