The Adventures of QueerPenguin

C.R.O.W

My flatmate Harley and I, while dodging the flying debris of the same-sex state marriage "forum", founded an exciting new lobby group to be known as the Concerned Residents of Woollahra, or CROW. Well, when I say Harley and I, I mean that I came up with the idea while he agreed to be the appealing symbolic figurehead who cuts ribbons with oversized scissors, has photo shoots in DNA mag, that sort of thing.

Anyway, we considered Concerned Occupants of Woollahra - or COW - but felt that CROW as an acronym better encapsulated our fears and "concerns".

But what is there in Woollahra to be concerend about, I hear you ask? The issues are plentiful and multi-faceted.

1/ The steady decline in median age of bowlers at the Paddington Bowling Club (which, though officially Paddo, is literally just around the corner from CROW headquarters). This is not some genteel strip of astroturf for self-fundeds and pavlova bakers; rather, a pretentious eastern suburb daytime nighclub for overprivileged Bright Young Things, beautiful in their $300 Diesel sunnies and matching thongs, with the bowling ball in one hand and Heineken in the other. The median age these days is probably about 26. Very concerning.

2/ The Lord Dudley Hotel and, specifically, the need by the majority of its patrons to have to be seen at TLDH, such that they cause major traffic blocks by drinking not inside the pub like most people of Planet Earth, but rather on the footpath or even, on occasion, on the road. Most concerning.

3/ Jones the Grocer - as much a grocer's shop as the latest Beemer 7-series is a "family run-around" car. From the outside it looks far too similar to the art galleries that infiltrate the back streets of Woollahra (or, as we CROWs sometimes call it, "Paddington East"). Quite concerning. I haven't yet shopped at Jones as I'm too busy saving my thousands for less extravagant destinations, like Europe.

4/ Bondi Junction - at the rate it's growing it will soon ingest all of the inner east of Sydney, such that Woollahra will be merely another sub-mall underneath its awesome canopy.

5/ The 389 bus - possibly the most glam, upmarket bus route in Sydney. Both flatmate and I barely pass the "You must be this beautiful" sign painted on the driver's bulletproof shield (and I think, unlike my flatmate, that a sympathetic driver has on more than one occasion waived the "you must earn this much after-tax disposable income" sign before allowing me to board).

6/ Queen Street - actually, I really like Queen Street. That's the problem - being in love with Queen Street is like "Bleeding Gums" Murphy's addiction to priceless Faberge eggs in The Simpsons: it all ends in tears and bankruptcy. Plus I don't care for its residents with their evil eyes, making me feel inferior for daring to head to the deli in my trackies - Ralph Lauren trackies, no less! - to grab a litre of milk.

So these will be the first 6 items on the agenda of the inaugural CROW AGM. Blue vein mini-pizzas and kingfish with macadamia crust will be served.

posted by Sam @ Tuesday, May 03, 2005