The Adventures of QueerPenguin

Prince Tampon and Princess Hobart

I'm just gonna come right out and say it: I think Mary Donaldson is plain. I don't think she's particularly attractive, elegant or interesting. I imagine she's just some chick who got really drunk at a King St Wharf bar one night, got chatting to and then started slobbering over some bloke she met, then when a mate of hers leaned over and said "Oi, Mazza! That's the Prince of Denmark!" there was the simultaneuous sounds of Mary slurring "Furck me!" and a far-off cash register going "ching! ching!" The single luckiest nightclub pash in Australian history.

I also think her husband is tubby and I don't give a fuck that they're here.

But: her visit to Australia co-inciding with Prince Chucky's is a good chance for us to compare the two monarchies and ask: which is the more redundant and irrelevant? Shadow AG Nicola Roxon asks this question, and even though we haven't forgotten how much Nicola sucks, she's hit the nail on the head here. Strange how 1999 - when the majority of Australians made clear we no longer wanted to be tied to a bunch of socially inept inbreds, but too many of us were misled to believe an appointed rather than directly-voted head of state wasn't the way to go - seems so far away now. I say this because we're not the US and we don't directly elect every single executive, legislative and judicial position. Our High Court judges are appointed and nobody cries "undemocratic!", and while I get that our President is a symbolically more important position for us everyday folk than High Court judge, I believe that a directly-voted model will only encourage the wealthiest people who can afford the broadest marketing campaigns to get up and win the race. President Eddie McGuire is a terrifying concept.

Anyway, the reality is that we'll only become a republic a/ by some kind of direct voting model and b/when Labor gets into power. And even though I'm doubtful about b/ happening before 2010, kudos to Labor for being pro-active in trying to re-ignite the debate.

I only wish the fate of such debates were not so predictable: Howard will quash moderate or other Libs (eg former Australian Republican Movement head and now member for my electorate, Malcolm Turnbull) from speaking out in support of a republic, he'll go onto Jonesy and Lawsy to assure us that this, unlike abortion, isn't a debate that needs to be had, he'll be backed up by Piers, Janet, Bolty, Miranda, Gerard etc. and Labor, Democrats and the Greens will be powerless to do anything. And we'll remain a colony for another decade (which I'm sure all the true illegal immigrants - British backpackers in Bondi Beach who've out-stayed their visas - will be creaming their jeans about). Hip hop hoo fucking ray.

posted by Sam @ Wednesday, March 02, 2005