Monday, June 18, 2007

Opposition vows to halt Hawke's ascension...Oh, and so do the Labor Party

Current and former political figures have criticised the preselection of extreme right former National Young Liberal President Alex Hawke to the blue-ribbon seat of Mitchell, in Sydney's north-west bible belt. But Labor has expressed disappointment that nobody appears to be paying much attention to their criticisms, as the focus remains instead on the large and growing army of disgruntled Liberals Hawke has screwed over in his rise to the top.

'We had press releases, bad puns about hawks, even a song written by that wonderfully talented chap who wrote our national conference song all ready to go - and not a single bite from any of the major outlets,' sulked Federal Labor MP Anthony Albanese. 'I guess it's nice to see the Libs doing our job for us. At least now I can get back to my hectic schedule clinging onto the seat I hold with only a 21% margin.'

Hawke, Chief Flying Monkey of Bible-bashing white supremacist David Clarke MLC, has achieved the remarkable feat of earning contempt not just from Liberal moderates, but also people more closely aligned to Hawke's 'special' brand of politics, such as David Flint.

The about-face of Prime Minister John Howard, via proxy of Bill Heffernan, to support Hawke allegedly occurred during a series of 'friendly' questions in which Hawke made clear he would not publicly call for the death penalty of all homosexual men and women who have abortions - he would instead personally hunt them down under cover of darkness and bring about the 'purification' himself. Heffernan was reported to have salivated so much upon hearing this policy position that he requested a towel.

Howard is said to be happy to have a candidate in Hawke who will support his 'broad church' approach to the federal Liberal Party - by reinforcing his stated beliefs that any members of the Liberal Party who support an equal age of consent, supervised drug-injecting rooms, sympathetic approach to refugees or legalised abortion should instead join Labor, the Greens or Democrats.

Meanwhile, ousted ex-Liberal MLC Patricia Forsythe has applied to the Australian Electoral Commission to register a new political party, 'White Hawke Down'. The application process has been temporarily suspended while Forsythe seeks a bigger office and more office staff to accommodate the 2,782,392 people who expressed interest in joining the party via the WHD website. Former Opposition leader John Brogden has already been named party secretary.

Clarke, while feeding a hungry Hawke bananas, defended him against claims David Elliott, the defeated candidate, was a much more sensible option for Mitchell. 'Look, we shafted Broggie and put in our man Peter Debnam just in time for the election and look what a resounding success that was for the New South Wales Liberal party. Our way is the party's way of the future.'

69-year-old Cadman, who has held Mitchell since 1974, was reported to be grumpy when awoken to be told he no longer had a job, allegedly muttering something about 'whipper-snappers' and accusing a local branch member he'd never met before of stealing his stuff while the nurses weren't looking, before pulling a knitted blanket back over his knees and returning to sleep. It is unsure what Cadman will do in his post-political life, as nobody has any idea what he did when he was (allegedly) a politician.

This blog post was violently interrupted when Hawke's goons-for-hire were dispatched to deal with the stupid faggot writer who -

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At 19/6/07 4:55 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would love to see what embarassment Hawke will put to his party, I'm sure we will start the new "White Hawke Prize for Bigotry"

At 19/6/07 5:17 pm, Blogger Superdrewby said...

The only good that Alex Hawke can do is keep the liberals out of power for longer

the guy is scary!

At 19/6/07 6:04 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does thinking Alex Hawke is sorta hot make me evil?

At 19/6/07 6:26 pm, Blogger Sam said...

Anon: Actually I know a couple of gay bois who share your...unconventional crush.

I sorta understand it - but I think you'd have to be majorly masochistic ever to act on it!

At 19/6/07 8:00 pm, Blogger JahTeh said...

The thought of any Liberal being 'sorta hot' is contrary to Liberal party rules.


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